Chapter 2 cont'd

We’re pulling up to Toledo airport and I think that I’m going to have a heart attack. I’m not used to doing things like this on my own. Usually I’m able to talk my way out of going, or at the very least have my mother there with me. I can only handle things like this if my mother is around. I know it’s probably not healthy to rely on her so much, but she’s always been the only constant thing in my entire life. My dad was never around, my siblings moved out when I was very young, and the only man I could trust as a child, my grandfather, died when I was six. My mom is all I’ve ever had. This is absolutely terrifying. My step father has been absolutely wonderful, but he was a little late. But this is all why I have to do it. I’m 21 years old. It’s time to do something on my own. My mom will be here to clean up the mess of me when I get back.

I ask Eric to come in and wait with me until my plane leaves and, of course, he does. We joke for a while and he tries to keep my mind off the weight of this trip that I’m about to go on. Then they call for me to board. Panic slices through me all over again. I start to say goodbye to Eric and to my horror “I love you” comes out. There’s no taking it back. There’s no blaming it on beer. It’s hanging out there in the air like the stench of onions cooking. I think I’m going to die. The look on his face says it all. It kind of looks like I just told him that I use to be a man. So the only thing left to do is just turn around and look for my salvation hiding behind an enormous man on the escalator. Did I seriously just say that out loud? What’s wrong with me? Now on top of worrying about this trip, I have to be terrified of coming back home to my freaked out best friend. I say a little prayer that he doesn’t tell another single soul what I just said. This just needs to be swept under the rug. I think I secretly enjoy making my life a little harder than it needs to be.


I’m standing in line waiting for the lady to take my boarding pass and I see my plane out the window. The wave of unsettlement washes over me again. Something is going to happen on this trip. I’m not trying to sound like a psychic and say that I’m able to foresee the plane coming down before it happens. That is not it at all. It all has to do with me. Something is going to happen with me and it’s terrifying. The feeling isn’t going away as I’m getting into my seat. I’m sure I look like I’m going to throw up because the guy seated next to me is looking at me with utter horror on his face. I try to smile to ease his mind, but the smile felt more like a sneer and I think that I scared him further.

Thank God I brought a book. Hopefully I’ll be able to dive into it and stay there for a while and ignore the flight attendant’s atrocious voice and the godless 4 year old monster kicking my seat behind me. The plane starts moving and my heart does a violent flip. This isn’t how I usually react to planes. I’ve been on them a million times. Something is definitely happening.