My mom and Athena So, my SIL Jill Marie and I were talking about parenting styles used on us as very young children, how we parent OUR children and how it can affect the way the child behaves later in life, especially the teen years.
My mom was VERY open with me, but not to the inappropriate point. There wasn't a single question she didn't answer, there wasn't a single life story/experience she didn't share (even if she wasn't proud of what she did) and therefore I was never ashamed to tell her anything I did (even if I knew she wasn't going to be happy with me). Now, this isn't to say I never got into trouble. That would be a fairytale. She grounded me every time she caught me smoking or when I stole something from Kohl's once, but I never lied to her and she never lied to me. I wasn't kept in the dark about anything and was always encouraged to ask "Why?". She was HEAVILY criticized by almost everyone in her life for being too open with me and too close to me, but she continued to do what she felt was right. Now fast-forward 10 years later and they were the ones that had the rebellious kids. I never felt the need to rebel because honestly, I didn't have anything to rebel against. She followed the philosophy of "Choose your battles" and that's something that I use today. She didn't ban things like TV from me because someone might make a fart joke on the cartoon. Now, she didn't let me watch something like "Silence of the Lambs" when I was little, but she told me why I needed to wait to watch it.
I could go on and on, but I shan't. Do you feel that this style of parenting will produce a less-apt to rebel child or did my mom just totally luck out?
6 comments:
I feel that there is a limit between being a friend and being a parent. I also think that an open line of communication is crucial. If your kids don't feel they can tell you anything without you flipping out, imagine all the things they will hide from you.
Also from my own experience I feel that letting your child see only the good things in life and keeping them from things you don't approve of, only make them more curious of those things in the future.
I only hope to have an open relationship with both my kids. I also hope that they will seek my guidance wether they know I will approve or disapprove.
I think your mom lucked out. That kind of parenting would have made me worse than I was. Not saying that it's wrong, just saying that it wouldn't have worked with me. Guys and girls are different though. I think my sister would've been fine with that style.
You know, I really don't know. Alot of times I think it is about adapting to the kids as they get older. I really don't think one parenting style is better than others, but I think if people go too far to any one extreme and are not willing to adapt to their kids needs that could possibly lead to problems.
For example - My dads brother always thought my dad was not strict enough on us. He was very strict with his kids but his kids are now getting into trouble and my sister and I were good kids.
Also, I think my parents were alot more strict with me in regards to rules and not as open and laid back with me. With my sister they had a more relaxed parenting style and were more open, though I think my dad was alot tougher and expected alot more from her than me. We both turned out fine!
What will be interesting is how T&I will raise our kids. We both grew up in two completly different households. T. really had no rules what so ever, he and his brothers got away with SO much. They were bad kids with no structure. And though T. is a great guy, he does lack structure. I had strict rules and got away with nothing! I am a very structured person and like rules. Also, I have to talk to my parents every few days, he will go months without talking to them and they are all fine with that. It will be interesting to see how we come together one day to raise our kids!
I think the key with parenting is learning your kid's personality and going with what you think will bring out the best in them. I was a pretty anxious, excitable child. I liked to talk. I liked to listen even more. My parents learned early on that even though I was naive, I would try to make people laugh (sometimes through inappropriate jokes). They therefore were always really open with me to the point where they now will make sexual jokes. However, like WK said, they also expected a lot more out of me, which has now led me to be completely obsessive and competitive over my grades.
I honestly think that having an open and honest relationship with your kids is really the way to go. Kids learn from example. If a young boy sees his father respect his wife and do sweet things for her, and the parents show that they are happy and in love, chances are that the boy is going to grow up and be respectful too. At least this is my philosophy. By showing your kids that everyone makes mistakes, but it's how you learn from them that defines you, kids will learn that they too will make mistakes, but it's good to get them in the open.
Since I'm involved in the topic of this entry, I gotta jump in here. I think it worked mostly because I never talked DOWN to Nadja. I don't think I lucked out, because I made a concerted effort to not do any of the things that made me feel so badly as a child. My upbringing left my sisters and myself with major issues of lack of self-worth, and I remember vividly many things that were said and/or done to us that were no-brainer contributing factors. Rather than letting history repeat itself - as it does in SO MANY families - I took those memories and made damned sure that Nadja would NEVER experience any of them, not even once. Another big one is humor - we laughed together A LOT (still do)and were always in search of the light, if not funny, side of any challenging situation. All in all, If a kid knows they are, without any doubt, loved AND respected - I really believe he or she is going to turn out okay.
Don't tell me that is "oofie" as a pup?!?! If so, more reason for me to steel him......
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