Thursday, May 1, 2008

Will he ever learn?

I have a tumultuous relationship with my biological father, to say the least. I've seen that man do some horrible things that most can't even imagine. He's always been a heavy drinker and, I feel, a sociopath. We go years at a time without talking, he hasn't been there for any major event in my life, he sent me to therapy, and didn't even attend my wedding. He's been arrested a million times, detained by the Feds, had people shooting at his car, stole money from my college fund, and stole my half-brother's identity. So, a couple years ago when he showed up claiming he turned over a new leaf I was a bit skeptical. He lives in another state now, but he calls ALL the time, emails all the time and is always sending things to Athena. He has claimed that he wants a relationship with her and blah blah blah. Well, he disappeared again recently for a few weeks and was quite sketchy on the details, but I let it go thinking he might just be with his lady du jour. He finally came clean because he needed me to watch his dog for him while he goes back to jail. I mean, seriously. The man is like 62 years old and he can't keep his ass out of trouble? Do I let him meet Athena and run the risk of him popping in and out of her life forever like he did to me; never having any consistency whatsoever?

I don't know. Do we have to forgive our parents?

4 comments:

Hurley said...

I think that you probably already know the answer to your questions...

Sad Panda said...

All I can say is that I would hope that you could forgive your father, but never forget what has happened with him. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. And as for Athena, only you can make that decision, but I don't think anyone could blame you if you didn't allow your father into her life.

I sincerely hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Nadja said...

I guess I'm just venting. I had to see his ex yesterday and she's just ruined so it put me in a mood most foul.

Wrestling Kitties said...

That sucks and it is a tough situation. My biological father, Allen and I also do not have a relationship. We rarely talk (once a year for christmas... and I call) Though it isn't as bad as your situation sounds he was not a good person at all...at least to my mom and even my step mom (who is no longer with him). And I can honestly say he has never been a father to me, but I have an amazing "step-dad" who IS my father so that is all I need.

A few years ago he said he was getting better, trying to change (maybe they just get to a point in their life where they can't keep blaming others for all that has happened...though they do keep trying). But I have seen no difference. He is not a part of my life in anyway, except that I have two younger brothers that live with him.

I choose to forgive him b/c we have all moved on. I invited him to our wedding & even a couple of his good friends who I have known forever, I choose to be the bigger person in our "relationship". He was drunk the entire time...though I rarely saw him. I made one last effort halfway through the night to do a dance with him...not the father daughter dance, just a dance. He proceeded to whisper things to me during the dance that insulted me, but when the dance was over I decided at that moment I don't care b/c the room was full of people who i love and who love and care about me and I was not going to let him win again and bring me down one more time. I have so many fantastic people in my life who care about me and if A. can't see that, it is his loss...not mine.

The reason I say this (sorry for ranting) is you don't owe him anything. If he wants to make an effort to be in your life again that is up to you how far you allow it. With Allen the door is open but it doesn't mean he gets a free pass everytime into my life b/c he knows NOTHING about me or my life now. And when T&I have kids that is a decision we will have to make then. For me personally, I will let A. put in the effort if he wishes towards our kids, with my supervision but that is it. And when the kids are much older and can make an informed decision they can choose what level of a relationship they want with him.

I really hope you find the answers you are looking for b/c I know how hard it can be. It sounds sappy but just follow your heart.