Thursday, January 27, 2011

Dear Big Papa

To little fanfare and many a raised eyebrow, I decided that I'm going to find my biological dad.

It's not that I feel like I need a dad; I've got one. It's not that I feel like I have any unfinished business or need closure. It's that all of a sudden I became aware of my parents' mortality and I internally bugged out. What if he died without us ever seeing each other again? Would I feel guilty? Would I regret it for the rest of my life that we never made amends? Regardless of his assholeness, he IS biologically responsible for me and I don't want him to die alone. Plus, I don't want that heavy shit bogging me down for the rest of my days.

The ladies are another reason I'd like to find him. I feel like I got ripped off since I never got to know anyone from my dad's side of the family, and here I am doing the same thing to them. I don't want the ladies to feel that way. I don't want them to be irritated some day when they find out they had a "Big Papa" that they never got to meet.

So I started Googling him, and I believe that I may have tracked down his address in Florida. This meeting will happen only if he acts receptive and can abide by my rules. My letter is going to go like this:

Dear Big Papa,
It's been about 5 years since we've talked and out of nowhere I decided that, for the sake of my kids and me, I need to track down your ass. I want you to meet Athena and Zofia, and I would like to open up our line of communication. This will happen if you can do the following:
1. Act like no time has passed. Do not make a big deal out of our lack of communication. Simply act as though we are a normal father and daughter getting together after simply living far away from each other.
2. NO GUILT TRIPPING. You are Grand Wizard of guilt trips and need to control yourself. Shit happened, we didn't talk. The end. No one is going to throw you, or attend, a pity party.
 3. Be nice to my mom or I will end you.

So, since I sometimes like over sharing personal things on my blog, like hair loss, tumors, and marital interactions, let's add uncomfortable family adventures to the list.

I love you, you blogger besties of mine, and your support means the world to me... probably more than it should.


Ellius said...

I really, really hope that he is receptive to your conditions, because he doesn't know how lucky he is to have you and the girls be a potential part of his life. I wish you the best and I'm sending tons of positive thoughts your way, because I want this to work out for you!

Written Permission said...

Number one, that letter is great. Just great. Bravo to you for setting boundaries and setting them right up front.

My brother is adopted, and the year he turned 18, his biological mom came looking for him. My parents were extremely receptive, and even had her and her other kids over for holidays for awhile. Then, she started encouraging my brother to quit school and move in with her (she lives across the country), and basically being a bad-influencing weenie. So, in some small way, I totally get your reluctance to open the door ALL the way. It can be dicey. You've gotta protect yourself and your ladies.

I really hope you get the response you're looking for. I agree with Ellius -- your dad is BEYOND lucky to have you even considering being in his life.

Keep us posted!

Sassytimes said...

You are brave! I like that you set boundaries up front. I hope he's receptive and not still an @hole. ;)

It's nice to know other people have father issues.

Wendy said...

You go girl! Good for you. Will you let us know how it turns out - if you feel like sharing?

Mickey D. said...

I commend you for this. For sharing and for being so brave and selfless.

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Nadja said...

It will be very very interesting to see how this plays out. He's not an easy one to get along with.

I appreciate the support and I absolutely have every intention of oversharing our father/daughter/granddaughter relations with everyone.

Jill Marie said...

Could you also send a copy to my dad??? Ohh thats right... he lives right here in town.

Nadja said...

Seriously, Jill. He lives 2 STREETS OVER from me. Ridiculous.

wrestling kitties said...

I think this is a great letter because it gives you the chance to hold the cards and if he wants to be a part of it (which I hope he does) you have the control. I also think it is SO brave of you to do this. You are amazing!

And as someone who did not get along with her biological father for years (like from the time I could talk until 26yrs old), couldn't talk to him ever without an argument breaking out, and who sometimes remembered my birthday and holidays with a text message....I think this is such a big step and I commend you. It is NOT easy to be the child in a relationship and have to be the "adult" when it comes to a parent.

I look at my Biological father as some distant cousin or something. I still care for him and love him but after I got married I made a vow to myself to just look forward and forget all the stuff that happened in the past. I was starting a new life, with a clean slate and I was NOT going to let him make me so angry anymore. I have a father, an AMAZING father and it is my Biological Dads loss if he doesn't want to be in my life. And honestly, for the first time in my ENTIRE life our relationship is good. We still don't talk often and he is getting better about remembering my birthday, but we have not had an argument in 5 years, which is a start!

I hope this turns out how you want it and goes well for you, but in the off chance it doesn't, I hope you realize you are loved by SO many people and have a beautiful family and you did everything you could to reach out and sometimes people just don't want to be reached.


Nadja said...

It'll be very interesting to see how this goes. Of course I would like to see it go well, but my hopes aren't high. At the very least I can be guilt free and know that I tried.

Darcy said...

definitely not more than it should, friends are friends, binary or not :-)
Good luck with all, it's hard and heavy and you can do it.

Anonymous said...

I had a good time here but will return to google now.

Penelope said...

Love the letter. Way to be so brave.