Monday, October 22, 2012

Down the rabbit hole of my brain.

It's easy for me to get lost within myself. A comment uttered, a story read, and I'm stuck deep within the recesses of my brain. I'm dark and emo like that. I've fallen down the rabbit hole. I'm spinning and falling past pictures of me smiling. Pictures of me with lighter hair and one brown eye and one blue. Pictures of me, my mom, and a happy, regular family

Recently a beloved Twitter friend and her daughter went through a surgery to have a G-tube removed from the wee lass. I inquired as to why this was happening and it turns out her sweet girl was born at only 23 weeks.

23 weeks. Let that sink in a moment. Maybe go read up on their stories.

This affected me. It kicked me right in my subconscious. I read everything about them and cried for their loss. I then cried for the loss my mom endured and the brother I never got to know. At the tender age of 19 my dear mother was happy, pregnant, and engaged to a gentleman named Ken. They were just about to start their American dream when September 10, 1971 Ken died. He was involved in a car crash leaving his bachelor party, driving to the home they were going to rent. Months later, December 14, 1971 baby Ken was born at 23 weeks. He lived for 12 hours.

What if these events never happened? What if Ken stayed home with my mom? What if my mom was allowed a normal, stress free pregnancy and baby Ken was born and survived? Where would that put me? Would I still be me but 50% different? Would I still have severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder had I never encountered my biological or step dads? The life I think my mom and I could have had but didn't get to makes me sad. She deserves more.

What do I do with these feelings?      


1001 Petals said...

Feel them, acknowledge them, and live on. What else is there?

1001 Petals said...

Also, I think it's important not to chase them, just acknowledge them. Don't feed them with made up what if's, etc. That way horror lies.

the corbett kid. said...

i think acknowledging and moving on is great advice. there have been many moments in my life where i've pondered the what ifs, but in reality i have to live with what i've been dealt. time to move forward. xoxo

Anne said...

You're making me weepy too. It's so so so hard not to go down that what if road and mourn for things that never were. Shit's not fair. I've been thinking that a lot lately, and I have no idea what to do with that. It's pointless to go down rabbitholes, or rage against life, but you really just can't help it sometimes. I find that when I tell myself I shouldn't be thinking this or feeling that, that's when I get the craziest.

Ugh so no advice, just, I hear you sister

Wendy said...

I actually think your thought train is kinda normal. What if X didn't happen, would XX be happening now? I think like that all the time. I always have believed that things happen for a reason. It may take a loooooong time for that reason to be know, but there's always a reason.

Wrestling Kitties said...

First, I am sorry to hear that. What tragedy for her to experience :(

Agree, acknowledge and live the life you were given.

As hard as loss is (especially something so tragic and even the things that came after), I am assuming (and just assuming based on my own ideals) that as that life she could have had was a life she will never know, that IF she could have that back or things would have been different perhaps she wouldn't. Especially if it would mean to give up you and all your awesome craziness and those two beautiful girls of yours...I doubt she would. Have you ever asked?

Your story reminds me a lot of my mom. She was in a previous relationship that ended early because he was sick and died. Then she married my biological father and many bad things happened in my moms relationship with my him but my mom said she would go through it again and again because she got me and then later my sister with my step dad.

It is hard to understand WHY things happen and many times we may never fully understand. But as hard as those things may be it makes us who we are (the good and the bad) and we must embrace them.

I think like this a lot. Have a post I just never have posted. BUT, if those things never happened and as much as T & I struggle now if those things didn't happen....I would not have Henry and I just don't even want to imagine that. Sure, I MAY have a child I love just as much, but it wouldn't be MY Henry, the Henry I know based on the path I am going down in my life.

It is so normal to think like this and wonder the "what ifs". But I also think it is easy to get stuck on the what ifs and we just can't change those.

I would be interested in your mom's thoughts if she wanted to share.

k said...

I think it is natural and easy to start down the path of what-ifs and I've done that a lot myself.

And while for me it's interesting and introspective and sometimes sad and even sometimes happy to think about those what-ifs, mostly it makes me refocus and re-zero in on what I have NOW. What should I do and how should treat what is front of me? And how I do make the most of what-is?