Friday, October 15, 2010

I think I'm having an identity crisis...

... and a looks crisis.
... and an aging crisis.

Yesterday I caught a glimpse of myself on the web-cam Louis and Athena were playing with and I internally flipped. I look 30. Not a good 30. A bad 30.

My hair fell out when I had Athena and stayed uber thin, now it's falling out AGAIN after Zofia. Shit!!! It looks HORRIBLE! What do I do???

And is that MY body? No effing way! My boobs aren't that big! I'm not that frumpy! Am I?

AND I have dipped my toes into the working waters lately. This involves working a makeup event for Dior and also working at the real estate office.

OK. Those two things aren't even remotely related. Some day the kids are going to be bigger, less needy, and in school. I am a trained makeup artist, a licensed real estate agent, and went to school for psychology. Um, PICK SOMETHING!

Plus, my OCD has me stressed out right now with some Zofia/sleep things.

I'm distraught. Send professional help. Wait, didn't I study this in college? Sonofabitch.


nadja said...

I'd like to add that this all started because Zofia rolled over. Figure THAT one out!

wrestling kitties said...

Ok, first of all I know I only really “know” over this here interweb but I must say you are pretty darn awesome!! You are so funny and smart and look at the two absolutely BEAUTIFUL and fun girls you are raising! Identity crisis or not, I think you are great and are doing a wonderful job with your girls! And I think it is great you have options with work and are stepping back into real estate while also still doing your makeup….maybe not one is a 9-5 career per say and maybe your “career” is more about taking care of your family. But you also have the ability to do other stuff and try new things without being stuck in just ONE thing. I actually envy that.

But I do get it. Maybe not exactly how YOU are feeling but I totally get the feeling of having an identity crisis and not knowing your place. I am 30 and my husband is 37. We don’t have kids and most likely will not for a few more years as T. is in school and will be moving away for 15 months to Cincinnati to finish school…..and because life is so unpredictable and we have NO IDEA where we will be or if T. will find a job when he graduates, I have to look at the very real possibility that things may not ever happen when or the way I think they are going to happen. That scares the SHIT out of me. I do not do well with the unknown. And as for work, I have a degree in special events. I wasn’t planning to stay here when I was working on this degree but that is what happened and as there are few jobs in this area in Toledo I am now a secretary at a law firm. Which I do enjoy and am sooooo thankful for but I know is not what I want to do forever. I want to go back and get my masters but cannot even think about it until Terry is done with school as it is already too much financially now. And on top of that, I am trying to lose weight and get healthy and it is just such a slow process. It is frustrating. ALL of it. Basically I just feel like I am in limbo. I am stuck in this one spot in my life (moving forward ever so slowly) and I don’t know how to get out of it or make it go faster and have no idea who I am or what I should be doing. I don’t like to leave the house often because I don’t want to be around people. I feel safe in my house and things feel good….but I just don’t want to venture out into the “real world’ because that is when all my fear and frustrations hit and reality sets in.

I never thought turning 30 would be a big deal….and really I like being 30. But I think turning 30 also made me reevaluate MY life and where I am compared to others and that is never a good thing. I try to remember that I need to do things that make me happy and stop trying to fit into some mold I should be in at this point in my life. Easier said than done though, right?!

Ok, sorry for the vent! Feels good though to vent :)

And again, I think you are amazing! And I LOVE that all this happened because Zofia rolled over. I am the SAME way. So we must both be crazy! Well I know I am!

wrestling kitties said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AthenaBee said...

oh thank you thank you thank you for sharing. while i certainly don't delight in your misery, the feeling of understanding is wonderful.

I didn't leave my bedroom for MONTHS when I was pregnant with Athena, and I'm kind of back on that now.

If one of us could venture out we could hide under the blankets together. (Athena thinks it's rad.)

wrestling kitties said...

I AGREE seeing this post made me feel not so alone and that was very VERY nice!

Terry is getting to the point where he thinks I need to see someone to work out a few issues....mainly because he is leaving. I think he may be afraid I will snap!! HAHA.

I HATE being in public and obsess about the stupidest know things I CAN control since there is so much I can NOT control in my life right now. I think because we are in "limbo" and so much is obsessions are getting worse because my life is so out of whack and I take comfort in being in control. If that makes sense?!

I think the blanket idea is a good one..that or some sort of mask! ;)

Written Permission said...

First: Welcome back! You have most definitely been missed in the blogosphere, but how fantastic that you've been spending the time with your husband and INSANELY adorable little ones! I mean, really -- I just want to eat their faces. (In a totally non-creepy way.)

Second: Allow me to echo what WK said above -- you are funny, smart AND beautiful, and this is coming from someone who doesn't even KNOW you, really, so you know it must be true. :)

Third: I definitely get where you're coming from with the identity crisis thing. My deal is that I want to do EVERYTHING, all at once, and in the process I don't enjoy ANYTHING. And then I feel guilty. All the time. ALL the time. And while my job is wonderful, fantastic (I'm SO lucky to have a great job with great benefits, etc.), it's definitely not what I envisioned myself doing. And that's hard to deal with. There are so many other things I'd RATHER be doing, but I keep working because, well, we need the money. Again: Guilt, either way.

I feel like this 30-year mark (which I am now three years past) is a turning point for a lot of women. At least, I'm hearing this kind of confusion, worry, stress, guilt, etc. from a LOT of my friends right now. We're out of our 20s, we're supposed to KNOW what we're doing and where we're going, and when we don't...we feel like we've missed something. I think this just means we're still figuring it out, and that that is FINE.

Knowing that and believing it on a day-to-day basis are two different things. But that's why we have these blogs/support networks, right?


Hang in there! You are most assuredly NOT alone in this.

the grumbles said...

so, i've been thinking about this one.

like the other lovely ladies we know have told you, you are a beautiful, SMART, witty mom with an awesome family. you are doing a great job. sometimes it's hard to see the bigger picture when you're stuck in the day to day stuff but basically– you rock.

i think it's normal to feel the way you do. we (as a culture) seem to have this crazy idea that at some point we will all suddenly be adults with a super-focused job and family and i've found out over the years that for the vast majority of us that isn't going to happen. we may do lots of different things as time go by, or pursue different goals at different times. just because you/we/me are thirty doesn't mean we suddenly become adults.

when i stopped to think about it that really doesn't seem so bad. you hold the reins on what you want to do and it doesn't have to be any one specific thing.

i don't even know if this makes any sense, what i'm trying to say. but i had a total breakdown this spring where i just felt like crap and slowly things have gotten more normal. you'll get there.