Monday, December 6, 2010

As the Hair Falls

I think that's what I shall name my hair loss drama.

And what better way to follow up my tumor post than with the update about my hair. Seriously, these head problems are getting ridiculous. OCD in the brain, vascular tumor on the forehead, hair falling out of the crown. It's an Awesome Head Trifecta.

I really wasn't optimistic going into the doctor's appointment. I just knew the loss was too drastic to be merely postpartum hair loss. But having the doctor look at my hair and say, "Oh, this is worse than I was expecting" was still a punch to the gut. He diagnosed me with Female Pattern Hair Loss and prescribed a topical treatment called Minoxidil. The catch? The pharmacist told me that it was completely compatible with breastfeeding, but not recommended. Cool. I'm glad THAT'S clear. She told me that she thinks I should only use it if it is completely necessary. So is my appearance THAT important to me? I'd feel like an asshole using it just to make myself look better while Zofia is still enjoying the milks.

Heavy sigh. So I wait.

I was taking it surprisingly well. I joined a network of women online dealing with hair loss, and was shallowly feeling better connecting with pretty women dealing with this (because I thought this only happened to ugly people? Really, Nadja?).

Then I started really thinking. I started picturing myself laying in bed with my husband and having to wear a scarf on my head. Would he be disgusted?

I pictured the ladies' peers finding out that I wore a wig. Would they get teased?

I lost it.

I need to keep my perspective. If this is the worst thing that ever happens to me I should count myself lucky, right?

8 comments:

Adrianne P. said...

Hang in there, Nadja! Look on the bright side of it-it's wintertime now, so hats are a necessity, not a fashion statement. ;) Maybe you can figure out a rotated schedule between breastfeeding and bottle feeding. That way you can still use your topical cream once or twice a week and Zofia won't miss out on the boobie juice. Hang in there! I'm here if you want to call and vent!

danielle herrera said...

Aww.Nadja.Its wonderful that your speaking out about this.I think It takes a lot for a person to open up about insecurities,especially when it comes to sometime that is taboo.I think your very beautiful,even without hair! Your a trend setter,and you can make any look work.Your girls will appreciate and learn from your openness.

Sassytimes said...

Hugs!

I have a friend who lost all of her hair from Alopecia in her early 20s. She wears a wig and you would never in a million years know it was a wig unless you knew her. Wigs have come a long way....

I'm glad you found a group for support. Look at those beautiful girls and your awesome husband and focus on all you have. I'm certain they all will still find you beautiful no matter what.

the grumbles said...

ugh. i'm sorry that was the only solution they were able to offer you. and i hate the growing list of things that are "fine but not recommended" for nursing moms. are they or aren't they?!

you'll have a lot more options available to you once you stop nursing, but that's a LONG time to wait.

on the bright side, a really well made wig these days doesn't LOOK like a wig. they're some fancy shit.

have you thought of those extra hair clip on's that i've seen at the mall? might give you some flexibility with creative styling.

you are beautiful. hairless or not. have faith.

Biscuit said...

well shit, i'ma need to make you something fancy for your dome now aren't I?

don't worry Mama, feed the lil'un as long as you want, then try the topical. remember, she'll be ok regardless, they are a lot more resilient than we like to think. you got to do something for mama too, don't forget that!

again, we all think you're beautiful. hair or no hair.

Written Permission said...

Big, big hug to you. I hate that the doctor wasn't able to give you any better solutions. Blech. :(

But, it's worth repeating: You are gorgeous, and your husband adores you. And, I happen to think you'd look fabulous in a wig or a scarf or one of Biscuit's amazing creations.

I think it's awesome that you joined an online support group -- and, as you can see, you have a huge amount of support here, too. :)

wrestling kitties said...

HUGS

I am sorry this wasn't the news you wanted to hear, and I am sure it is frustrating for you. But you are gorgeous and have two healthy and gorgeous little girls and are making such a big sacrifice for those little girls and that is so admirable.

Maybe you can find some natural stuff to take in the meantime and I hope that online group will be really helpful to you!

Anonymous said...

I just added your blog site to my blogroll, I pray you would give some thought to doing the same.