Friday, January 4, 2013

My Diagnosis. Also? I think I have a mustache.

Had you told the girl in this picture that in ten years' time she'd be sitting in the bathroom putting Rogaine on her head with hair remover on her lip and an estrogen patch on her butt, I'd wager she'd keel over. Either that or punch you. Probably punch you. I use to be really bitchy. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that at the age of 32 I'd be dealing with the body of a 55 year old. The official diagnosis is estrogen deficiency. My body thinks it's in menopause. I've lost at least 50% of my hair, my ovaries have shut down, and for the past 6 years I've honestly thought I was losing my mind. The anxiety, depression, memory loss, COMPLETE emotional instability: ALL symptoms of estrogen deficiency. How did it take so long to figure out? Well, since I've been pregnant or breastfeeding since 2006, it was kind of hard to tell what was what. Certifiable problem or hormonal pregnant girl? Your guess. It wasn't until my body really started shutting down and I really started getting scared that I actually had dementia did I get full bloodwork. What's next? For the time being while we wait for Zofia to wean I'm on an estrogen patch. I shed my tears about the hormone replacement therapy drying up my milk and bringing an end to this stage of Zofia's life, but if left untreated, estrogen deficiency leads to osteoporosis, stroke, and heart disease. As my mom pointed out, Zofia would rather drink out of a cup than have me die of heart disease. Touche, mom. I'm not going to cut her off cold turkey though, so they aren't going to test for the cause of this deficiency just yet, such as tumors, as breastfeeding would skew the findings in lab work. (For now I'm going to pretend like there's never been any mention of tumors as I MIGHT FREAK THE FREAK OUT!!!!!!)

So, that's where I am. Estrogen patch firmly on my butt and a lot of fixing and healing to do. The toll that it has taken on my body, marriage, kids, career, and relationships is hard to put into words. The task of rebuilding everything makes me feel like an asthmatic acrophobic about to scale Mt. Everest. Impossible. I'm scared y'all. Real scared.

If you're the praying type, send me a prayer. If you're the hugging type, send me one of those. If you're the forgiving type, well thank the Good Lord for you.


keli [at] kidnapped by suburbia said...

your mom kind of said what I was thinking, but I didn't feel like it was my place to say that. Zofia is SO LUCKY to have you, but she needs YOU. not just your boobies. ;) <3

I'mma virtually hug you SO TIGHT and pray that this year is THE YEAR for you to finally get to be who you are meant to be. XO

Michele said...

Exactly what Keli said. We want you around for a long, long time. Many hugs and prayers

Nadja Brocus said...

I think my mom probably said A LOT of things you guys wanted to say. Many conversations started like "you know I love you, but..."

Ky • said...

I'm the praying type and you KNOW I love you. From the second you told me about this, I've been worried about you.

"As my mom pointed out, Zofia would rather drink out of a cup than have me die of heart disease." That resonated with me, too.

I know you want Fifi to do this on her time, but you also need to take care of YOURSELF. I will give you other instances where individuals I know had to cut their breastfeeding short in order to take care of themselves. You're not alone. Grieve this. But, please, please, PLEASE put a limit on it. An approximate date.

You can't care for your babies if you're not here emotionally or physically.

(You know I love you.)

the corbett kid. said...

i think of you often, and i'm glad you're headed in the right direction. you may not have all the answers yet, but you will soon enough.

xoxo many hugs + kisses, xoxo

Traci said...

Sending you many, many hugs and good thoughts! xo

Wrestling Kitties said...

Sending prayers and hugs your way.

I agree with exactly what your mother said. I think it is always tougher for us than it is for the child. Yes, she may miss that at first but she will be ok, but as you are well aware she needs her mama healthy in all are a great mother and I know you know that and will get yourself healthy.

We are here for you while you go through all of this. Whatever support you need.

And I agree, we need to get together for some mama time, chatting, and drinks!

k said...

You can do this and you have us and others to help support you.

And healing means things aren't broken and beyond repair. It just means patience.