The Conception of Zofia "What are the Odds" Brocus

Many of us blogger moms write beautiful, wonderful stories about the births of our children. They're stories filled with happy tears, love, and smooshy newborns. A recent tweet from my friend Keli got me thinking... Sometimes the stories start a little sooner and aren't all unicorns farting rainbows. Sometimes they're more PANIX AND SWEAR WORDZ AND MOAR PANIX!

For all the Henry "Mini Pills" and Zofia "What are the Odds," today we celebrate you.

I found out I was pregnant with Zofia on October 20th. I took an old test in the closet. POSITIVE! NO! Went to the Dollar Store for a fresh new test. POSITIVE! NO! Ran like my hair was on fire to a quick clinic. "I NEED A PREGNANCY TEST RIGHT NOW! I CARE NOT THAT YOU'RE ALL STARING AT ME WITH MOUTHS AGAPE! MOVE PEOPLE!" A nurse gets me to pee in her cup and we wait. NEGATIVE. THANK YOU JEEBUS! I collapse in relief and wait for my "get the hell out of here you lunatic" papers.

In walks the doctor. "Congratulations. I see you're going to have a baby."

"Nooooooooooooo. Not me. Nurse said all clear." says I.

"Well, I looked at the test myself. Definitely positive. You're pregnant." says she.

ROAR WITH RAGE! I run out crying and punch my steering wheel. Why was I acting like such a nutter, you ask? Well, I had JUST gotten on the right meds for my OCD. I was finally going to get better. Pregnancy #2 was NEVER in the plan.

 Little did I know when I woke that morning that a story was a'brewin' in my belly and actually began a couple weeks earlier. Louis and I had been practicing natural family planning for about 2 years, which was just me charting my cycles and telling him to keep the hell away from me the whole week of possible ovulation. One day in late September Athena was spending the night with her Yia Yia and Louis started making with the sexy eyes. "Dream on buddy," I says, "I'm only 2 days out from possible ovulation so don't even breathe by me." Not to be rejected Louis kept pushing the issue. I can still see my self standing in my kitchen, looking at the calendar, and biting my thumb nail. "What are the odds?" I thought. It took 4 entire years to get pregnant with Athena. What are the odds that ONE TIME will do anything.

Ahem. The odds are just fine.

This now 2 year old sitting here next to me is pawing at my chest, yelling "BOOBEES!"and is the absolute light of my life. Every day I sing to her that "I love her like a love song, baby," and I thank God, Allah, Buddha, and Oprah Winfrey that she's here. The universe knew exactly what I needed when they put our molecules together.

Thanks, Universe. I owe you one.

A Week in Tweets

This. Week. BLEW. The ladies are on the mend now, but MAN were they sick this week. These tweets sum up my week and feelings better than I ever could in my exhausted, sleep-deprived state.

@Athenabee Nadja
Fuck fevers. Or as Athena calls them, "beavers."

Sick kid. No good. I thought it was spring.

Barf is dumb.

With vomit in the house I may set a new OCD handwashing record.

Thank goodness for my breastmilk freezer stash. It's the only thing my sick 3 yo can keep down.

Puking kid is back to being a jerk. Let's hope it doesn't turn into puking baby.

Zofia has her first fever. #shittymilestones

I think tonight is going to be the opposite of awesome.

It's OCD freak the fuck out pukefest day. Wanna come?

Gotta tell ya, this shit ain't helping the ol' germ phobia.

So I says, "what would make this day even awesomer?" The universe came back with a dead, smoking jeep. O.o and >.< and :-/ and doh!

So THEN I says, "cmon day. Be the awesomest." And the universe goes: you have to poop really really bad while a screamy sick baby is on you

Suckville. Population: 3

#CurrentView

U guys zofia hasn't stopped screaming for an hour won't nurse and screams if I try to lay her down

So there you have it. I think that tells you where we've been all week... in Suckville. Hopefully the fresh spring air this weekend will do them a world of good.

This, my friends, is the best tweet I've ever seen

MCHammer@Athenabee Yes she did.. and I said you can't wound in front of millions and apologize in front of one.

about 9 hours ago from web in reply to Athenabee

Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'em

This is the single best thing to have graced my inbox in a very long time... possibly ever.

Hi, Athenabee (Athenabee).

Hammer (MCHammer) is now following your updates on Twitter.

Check out Hammer's profile here:

http://twitter.com/MCHammer

Is it the REAL MC Hammer you ask? Yes, yes it is... and I'm now also getting followed by people signed to his label.

Jealous?